F
F N N
Fusia
Fusca News Network
As the music fades
FFNN
logo up
KATHY:
Hezbollah terrorists hold a hundred American citizens hostage in the
Middle East
.a nationwide strike ordered by the Teamsters and AFL-CIO
virtually cripples the country
and NASA confirms the discovery of life
on Mars
but the big story
the Fusia/Fusca clan has descended upon
Baltimore
,
Maryland
for its eleventh family reunion.
(Fusia/Fusca reunion logo up)
Mayor Martin OMalley has ordered a state of emergency, putting all
agencies on notice for the duration of this event.
(Series of past reunion
photos up)
While there have been many sightings in and around the
Inner
Harbor
district, no major problems have been reported so far. One city official
who wishes to remain anonymous was quoted as saying, As long as the
liquor keeps flowing in the city, I think theyll leave us alone.
Stay tuned to FFNN for further details as they develop.
(FFNN Exclusive logo up)
Now to the other news. In an FFNN exclusive, our cameras and reporter
have been allowed inside the 12th precinct of a Northern New
Jersey police station as they bring in a couple of suspects for
questioning. Lets go there now. Lin?
LIN:
Thats right, Kathy
I have learned that two people are being brought
into this interrogation room for questioning regarding a heinous crime
they are suspected of committing earlier this evening. We dont usually
get this opportunity, but
.okay, Kathy, I hear them coming now
lets
listen in.
(Blank slide. MX 43/11 music
up.)
(Kim and Paul Rollinson are led in by two detectives.
They are handcuffed and are shoved into seats at a table )
DETECTIVE 1 (REGGIE): Alright
.we can do this the easy
way, or we can do it the hard way. Its up to you guys.
PAUL: What are you talking about? We didnt do anything.
KIM: Well
technically, we didnt quite finish what we
were doing.
DETECTIVE 2 (ANTHONY): And that kinda
arrogance just turns my stomach, dont it, Reggie?
REGGIE: And youz guys dont wanna turn
Anthonys stomach
if you know what I mean.
PAUL: Dont you have anything better to do
than to make frivolous busts?
ANTHONY: Yo
no cursin outta you, Mac.
KIM: Oh, for heavens sake.
REGGIE: Respect the badge.
PAUL: Okay
.okay
whatta
you guys want?
ANTHONY: The straight scoop, Pal.
REGGIE: You tell us what we want to hear, and itll go
easier on you.
KIM: We didnt really do anything.
ANTHONY: That aint quite the way we saw it
right,
Reg?
REGGIE: Well, you got to see more than I did. By the time I
got to the car the evidence was kinda hidden, if you know what I mean.
PAUL: Whats the big deal? This is harassment.
ANTHONY: Yo! I aint gonna tell you about the language
again.
REGGIE: I think hes some kinds pervert freak,
Ant.
KIM: Look, Andy and Barney
.are we being charged with
anything here?
ANTHONY: Well ask the questions, sweetcakes. How bout
we just take it from the top. Names?
PAUL: Kim and Paul
Rollinson.
REGGIE: Address?
KIM:
44 Baldwin Ave.
ANTHONY: So, youz guys have a house?
PAUL: Yes
.we have a house.
ANTHONY: Then might I ask what you was doin stinkin up
my neighborhood?
REGGIE: In a restaurant parking lot, no less
.people
throwin down roast beef and gravy just a few hundred feet away.
KIM: Its our 25th wedding anniversary. We
were celebrating.
REGGIE: Oooh..Anthony
they was celebrating. 25 years, man
cant spring for a room?
PAUL: We were gonna go home. You know how it is, guys.
Romantic dinner
a little wine
one thing leads to another
cmon.
ANTHONY: You were in violation of penal code
.
REGGIE: Oooh! Anthony
you catchin the subtle irony in
that?
ANTHONY: It does not escape me, Reginald. Penal code 145, section 18, paragraph 3: you cant do the nasty in
the back seat of a Volvo.
PAUL: It wasnt a Volvo.
ANTHONY: Dont get technical with me, Viagra boy.
KIM: Okay, listen
were sorry
well never do it
again.
PAUL: Kim!
KIM: Oh, stop youre whining, Viagra boy. You got us
into this in the first place.
PAUL: Me?!
KIM: Yeah, you. Lets have a nice dinner, Kim. Wear
that mini skirt with the thigh-highs and thong, Kim. Have some more wine,
Kim. Ill order the appetizer,
Kim.
REGGIE: What was the appetizer?
PAUL: Its not important.
ANTHONY: Im getting the impression Don Juan here
dont feel like cooperatin, Reg.
REGGIE: Is that right, Mr. Rollinson? You holdin out on
us? You gonna upset my partners stomach? You dont wanna see Anthony
when the agitta cuts in.
KIM: Tell them, Paul.
PAUL: Its none of their business.
KIM: Were going down here, Paul. The gig is up.
Weve been collared. I cant go back there, Paul. You dont
understand. Pacing that 9 by 9 room
counting the cinder blocks
sharing
a cell with a woman named Sam who wants to make you her boy toy. Dont
make em send me up the river again
Im begging you
.please!
PAUL: Alright!! Alright!!! It was oysters! I ordered
oysters.
REGGIE: Youre one sick hombre.
PAUL: Im sorry. I dont know what got into me. It
was a lapse in judgement.
REGGIE:You keep acting like a dog in heat, youre gonna
end up with bypass surgery.
ANTHONY: Lets get em down to fingerprinting. I feel so
dirty Im goin home and take a shower.
(They start to escort them out)
PAUL: You cant go back there? Thats it, Kim. Im
cutting off your Blockbuster card.
(Blank slide.
MX 43/12 music up
)
LIN: Well, there you have it. Another FFNN exclusive.
Live from the 12th precinct in
Somerset
,
New Jersey
, this is Lin Trefs reporting.
KATHY: Thanks, Lin. A sneak peak into an interrogation
room. Id rather slam my hand in a car door. You think that kinda
reporting is gonna win you an Emmy or something? Who comes up with these
ideas? I have a drawer full of gut-wrenching, thought-provoking,
life-changing interview ideas. Do they do one stinking one? No
..we get
Lin the Bimbo putting her ear to the door of the Keystone Cops
restroom! (sweetly) And now we turn to the world of entertainment.
(Entertainment
logo up)
KATHY: The brainless floozie who normally handles this
segment is on vacation this week. Which is a nice way of saying she picked
up some fascist biker at a
truck stop near Fort Wayne and is going to be tied up
.yeah, Ill bet
she is
. for a few days.
Luckily for you, Ill be doing entertainment tonite.
(Flying town
names up)
Toward
that end, I have been busy lately dredging up the latest exploits of your
favorite celebrities. As you know, the Fusia/Fusca clan is no stranger to
the spotlight. And weve caught some of your favorite stars at work and
at play.
(Katie and
Todd pic up)
Katie and Todd Fusia were spotted having a grand
old time at a party
last week.
(Elaine and
Bill Ortale pic up)
And FFNN has learned that Elaine Sherriffs sweet
disposition is both physical and spiritual. We caught her on camera
recently on one of her frequent trips to her Budha.
(Big brother
pic up)
Cult worshippers gathered at a nearby conference
center. Here, Todd Fusia can be seen sitting under the watchful eye of
guru Ed Fusia, Jr. Todd claims there is no truth to the rumor that swami
Ed employed his favorite brainwashing technique of making him stay up all
night drinking.
(Virtual
reality pic up)
Chris Orazi unveiled his new line of sunglasses.
Good news
absolutely no ultraviolet waves. Bad news
cant see a damn
thing.
(Michelle and
Mark pic up)
No, this is not a dental hygiene commercial,
Michelle and Mark are simply doing their impressions of the grand canyon.
(Robbie/Katie
pic up)
At the whale watch in
Boston
, Robbie Ortale took time out
to practice some oral surgery on a reluctant Katie Fusia.
(Michael,
Tina and Gus pic up)
And you can file this one under, One mans
goose is another mans poison. Michael Fusias hand seems to have
brightened Tina Boovas spirits. Her husband, Gus, however, is non-plussed.
(Miss
Fusia/Fusca pic up)
FFNN was on hand to celebrate the Fusia/Ortale
Alternative Lifestyle celebration in
Boston
. Here we see Carl Frank, Sev, Michael and Gibby enjoying the festivities.
(Butt scratch
pic up)
Pat Fusia
what were you thinking?
(Chris/Poochie
pic up)
And, finally, we caught up with Chris again at a
local eatery. An avid collector, he is shown here captivating Poochie
Fusia with his John Wayne Bobbit memorabilia.
KATHY: Wasnt that fun? Alrighty, then.
(Business
logo up)
In todays FFNN business spotlight, Michelle has
a special guest for us. Isnt that right, Michelle?
MICHELLE: Thats right, Kathy. Were happy to have with
us Amelia Ortale Gesch, owner and operator of Especially Baskets of
Lilburn, Georgia.
(Especially
Baskets logo up. A Tisket,
A Tasket Music)
Amelia is going to share with us some of her unique
creations. Hi, Amelia
nice to have you with us.
(AMELIA is behind a table of baskets, etc.)
AMELIA: Why, thank you
its so nice to be here.
MICHELLE: Amelia
what is the secret of your enormous
success?
AMELIA: Well, most of your gift basket folks are pretty
typical
.gourmet pre-boxed candies, dried fruit, soaps, homemade
pasta
yada, yada, yada. I like to think were unique in that we offer
theme-oriented, but down to earth arrangements.
MICHELLE: Why dont you show us some of
these
unusual
examples, and then we have a special treat
.Amelia is
going to prepare a basket for us right here in our studio. What do we have
here?
AMELIA: Well, this first one is the bath bouquet.
MICHELLE: None of that frilly Victorian hooha for you..eh,
Amelia?
AMELIA: Nope. What we have here are moms everyday bath
essentials
.already-started soap
dont you just hate when you have
to wear down those molded flowers and crap on special soaps before you can
rub away on your private areas without buildin up a rash the size a
Texas? Here weve done that for you
..wet wash cloth
.and cmon,
lets face it, everybodys got some nasty toenails
so weve added
some fungal ointment
Readers Digest
.and heres my
favorite
What always happens when you lie back in the tub, waters
running, all relaxed
..?
MICHELLE: I give up.
AMELIA: Gotta go to the bathroom. Kills the mood.
So
weve added a urine bottle
MICHELLE: How
.thoughtful.
AMELIA: And if you really wanna step up to the plate, for a
few more bucks well substitute a catheterization kit
.first class,
huh?
MICHELLE: Yes. Very nice. Whats the next one?
AMELIA: This is an Especially Baskets exclusive. The Long
Car Ride Assortment. You know somebody whos going on an extended car
vacation? This heres the ticket. Course you got your maps, your CDs,
moist towlettes, a set of lyrics for 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,
but Ive added some personal touches
.flare, 20/40 weight oil,
beef jerky, duct tape for the kids
.and, of course
..a urine bottle.
MICHELLE: Yes, I see that
.so inviting, makes me want to go
to the bathroom right here.
AMELIA: Well, arent you nice to say that.
MICHELLE: Now, I understand that our viewers are going to be
treated to an actual demonstration of how one of your creations
are
.well, created.
AMELIA: Thats right, Michelle. Im gonna try and throw
something together for you live and uncensored
get it? Live and
uncensored?
MICHELLE: I think I do.
AMELIA: Im a little nervous here, as you can see. But
lets give er a shot.
MICHELLE: And what is it you will be assembling for us?
AMELIA: This heres gonna be the backyard barbeque
basket. And we start with
.a basket.
MICHELLE: Makes sense.
AMELIA: We put in a little foundation of straw and
what-not. This gives it a fluffier feel
and of course it fills the
bottom up and makes the client feel like they got more than they do.
Whoops
looks like I gave away a little basket trade
secret
.well
yall can edit that out before we air
.right?
MICHELLE: Oh, yeah
trust me, well take care of you on
that.
AMELIA: Then we start adding the essentials. What I like to
do is think about it from the users perspective. What would I like to
have for my barbeque? So, we got some pickled pigs feet
.prop er up
real nice so the hooves show
.chips
corn on the cob
a can of malt
liquor
thats a nice touch, dont you think?
MICHELLE: Mmmm hmmm.
AMELIA: Big ole can of black olives
.some clam
juice
and we top er off with the piece de resistence
lotsa
meat
you got your kosher dogs
.chicken parts
.dont forget the
gizzards now
.and lotsa hamburger meat
.I dont know about you, but
my clan loves them burgers
just pile it up there
there we go
and top
it off with a nice bow
you got yourself one heckuva gift basket.
MICHELLE: Very
.impressive.
AMELIA: Why, thank you, Michelle. And thanks for having me
on the show.
MICHELLE: Thats it for todays business
spotlight
.Especially Baskets of
Lilburn
,
Georgia
Amelia Gesch, proprietor.
(Wise Guy in
spot
)
(FFNN Logo up)
WISE GUY: Hey
pssst
.over here. Yo
easy on the light,
mac. Im tryin to blend here. Thats better. So heres the deal.
Im tryin to pick up the scent of this perpetrator, but this jaboney
is slick, man
.real slippery, you know what I mean? I was hopin one a
you maybe seen him around this joint. Hes short
..real short
hair
like a skunk. Penny
loafers, no socks
been on the lam for
years
.goes by the name a
.Boova
.Tom Boova
.any a you seen him? I
didnt think so.
KATHY:
And now back to real news. Not some barefoot
Georgia
peach stuffing Easter baskets for a living. Get a real job
like an
anchorwoman. That way you can bust your butt 70 hours a week, give up your
family and any semblance of a social life and get all your ideas shot down
by the suits upstairs who cant tell the difference between journalism
and human waste! And now to medical news
(Sev and Carl
Frank pic up)
KATHY: Who says medical hardships cant have their own
silver lining. Here, two of the oldest living Siamese twins enjoy a night
out just like the rest of us.
KATHY: On the legal front, litigation
is still pending in the 1995 case of Severn Ortale vesus the City
of
Boston
and a sightseeing charter company. Mr. Ortale is suing for false
advertising and misrepresentation. Seems the charter company did not
fulfill his expectations. Included in Sev Ortales evidence is this
photograph.
(Whale tail
photo up)
KATHY: A spokesperson for the company is quoted as saying,
We produced for Mr. Ortale exactly what he was looking for. Is it our
fault he was not more specific? More on this as the story develops.
KATHY: The American Tobacco Association claims it is
finally sick and tired of the media targeting its alleged lack of concern
about the increase in cigarette smoking related illnesses. To combat this,
they have launched their own campaign entitled: Did We Tell Them to Put
the Stupid Things in Their Mouths? At a recent advertisement rollout gala
they unveiled their new poster children.
(Smoking
cigarette pic up)
KATHY: And now we turn to our critics corner.
(Sissy and
Egrit photo up. Chicken dance music)
Today our resident movie maniacs, Sissy and Egrit,
are revisiting some of their favorite moments in the 1997 disaster
blockbuster, Hispanic. Welcome.
SISSY: Why, thank you, Kathy
.and my complements to your
wardrobe mistress
Im ever so fond of that neo-Egyptian, am I a prom
dress or a housecoat look. It suits you.
KATHY: The what?
SISSY:
But enough about you. Right, Egrit?
EGRIT: Thats right, Sissy. Already a modern classic,
Hispanic is filled with romance, intrigue, suspense, a lush score
SISSY: Dont forget Leonardo
.
EGRIT:
beautiful sets, a great sense of history
SISSY: Im pouting
EGRIT: And Leonardo DiCaprio.
SISSY: Thank you. See? Happy face.
EGRIT: We want to take a little retrospective tour through
some of our favorite moments in the film. Braaaak! So lets get started.
SISSY: Our first clip establishes the sexual tension
between our lead characters. Lets take a look.
- SCENE ONE
-
EGRIT: Wasnt that magnificent. They were made for each
other. Braaak! Kate Winslett just explodes on the screen.
SISSY: Yeah
.if you like white trash. Im sorry
was
that witchy?
EGRIT: Lets move on. The excitement really builds as
the ship approaches its date with destiny.
SISSY: La scene du la fromage.
EGRIT: Whatever.
- SCENE TWO
-
SISSY: Oooh
goosebumps.
EGRIT: The ship approaching the cheese is cinema at its
best.
SISSY: No, silly
.all the sweaty men in the belly of the
beast
steam flying like a Turkish sauna
.
EGRIT: Interesting perspective.
SISSY: Isnt it, though?
EGRIT: Okay
.one last piece of business.
SISSY: Dont tease me, you flirtatious feather boy.
EGRIT: Back off, weirdo. Were gonna scoop the rest of
the film media and announce the release of the latest in the Wheres
Waldo series for children. Its not in the stores yet, but the
search for the illusive Waldo continues on July 14. Heres a sneak peak
at the cover.
(Wheres
Waldo slide)
SISSY: Well, thats going to do it for today
.For FFNN
Im Sissy
.
EGRIT: You bet he is
and Im Egrit. Back to you,
Kathy.
KATHY: Thanks, guys.
or birds
.or
.aw lets
call a spade a spade. Theyre freaks! Like I want to get my movie tips
from a Tufted Titmouse
.and Im not even talking about beak boy.
Anyway, just in case we havent crossed the line yet, for some moronic
reason were going to bring you an excerpt from the ultimate in
tasteless entertainment. The lame brains upstairs thought it might be fun
to take a glimpse into the Sherry Springer Show. Say that five times after
a pitcher of cosmopolitans. Are we ready? Roll the stupid tape.
(Springer slide up)
SHERRY: Good evening, and welcome to the show. You know,
weve had a lot of guests over the years who epitomize dysfunctional,
but we think tonights family takes the cake. For nearly a hundred
years, a family with its origins in
Vazzano
,
Italy
, has been waging a civil war over a single letter. Descendents of
Giaccomo Bruno Fusca have argued the truth for generations. Well, tonight
the Sherry Springer Show is bringing this battle to a head. We have
representatives from both camps who will state their case. It should be
interesting. Lets start bringing them out.
(Enter TOM FUSIA, JR. with
mounds of documents)
SHERRY: First, we have the clans self-appointed
historian
Tom Fusia, Jr. Hi, Tom.
Tom: Hi
.and thanks for having me. Most people are put
off by all this technical genealogy stuff and the whole roots thing. Why,
they barely let me get started into the fascinating history of when Paolo
Fusca and Anna DiSandro Fusca married in 1750
and there was a very funny
story about
..
SHERRY: No kidding. I cant imagine
Tom:
Nicola Luigi Giovanni Pietro Paolo Fabiano back
in 1854
..
SHERRY: Tom
Tom:
and the birth of the sweet Anna Maria Felicia
Annunciata
.
SHERRY: Tom
shuttup.
Tom: I get that a lot.
SHERRY: The problem is this, as I see it. You have some of
the family who have remained loyal to the name, Fusca
and those who
claim the name of Fusia.
Tom: Well, you cant oversimplify the issue. You see,
Giuseppe Fuscas second wife, Elizabetta DiNardo
.
SHERRY: Tom!
Tom: Yes, thats it in a nutshell, Sherry.
SHERRY: So lets cut to the chase. Is the original name
Fusca or Fusia?
Tom: Well
when Giaccomo Bruno and his sons came to
Ellis Island
SHERRY: Tom
..basta
cosi!
Tom: Fusca.
SHERRY: Thank you. But we have some folks here that dont
agree with you. Lets bring some of them out.
(FUSCA 1, FUSCA 2, FUSIA 1 and
FUSIA 2 enter. They
immediately begin arguing with each other and TOM over the name issue. It
gets rowdy
.we involve the audience. Call each other names and get
physical. FRANK enters as a show bouncer to keep things from getting out
of hand. SHERRY tries to maintain order, but is less than successful.
Finally, she blows a whistle and everyone gets quiet.)
SHERRY: Youre a bunch of demented degos, you know that?
Now settle down. We have another guest to bring out who may shed some
light on the subject. And here he is now
.the Ghost of Fusca Past.
(GHOST enters in robe, Italian hat, big moustache,
Italian stogie. He carries a staff with an eggplant on the end)
GHOST: Whatsamatter for you? Ima sittin
behava myself
relaxa
widda da Medici boys, Caruso, Michaelangelo
..and justa lika dat
bomba! Ima qui!
SHERRY: You were with
Michaelangelo?
GHOST: Datta boysa no good. He cheats ata sculpa. But, he
painta my housa for free, whattaya gonna do.
SHERRY: What can you tell us about this name thing?
GHOST: Looka. Isa very simple. Giaccomo Bruno coma he
widda hisa boys. Dey gotta da papers widda Fusca
lilla
come
si chiamo
anchovie..ona topa
data c. One a boy
Giuseppi
he gotta alla da brains. He keepa da nama
Fusca. De other citrools, dey looka da c
.maka him a i. Ma whattaya
gonna do
.isa family..you canna kill.
(FUSIA 1 and 2 begin to verbally attack the
GHOST.
He steps back and waves his staff)
GHOST: Guarda
..guarda la
moulanian!!
(The scene develops into a free-for-all until SHERRY
blows her whistle again)
SHERRY: Alright!! I think weve seen enough. Lets move
on to our musical guest. Were very honored to have Rob Thomas from
Matchbox 20 here, doing the song he made famous with Santana
Smooth.
Rob?
(ROB THOMAS enters)
Smooth
Karaoke disc up
The Fusia and Fuscà
Families
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