F N N
Fusca News Network
As the music fades…
Hezbollah terrorists hold a hundred American citizens hostage in the
Middle East….a nationwide strike ordered by the Teamsters and AFL-CIO
virtually cripples the country…and NASA confirms the discovery of life
on Mars…but the big story…the Fusia/Fusca clan has descended upon
for its eleventh family reunion.
(Fusia/Fusca reunion logo up)
Mayor Martin O’Malley has ordered a state of emergency, putting all
agencies on notice for the duration of this event.
(Series of past reunion
While there have been many sightings in and around the
district, no major problems have been reported so far. One city official
who wishes to remain anonymous was quoted as saying, “As long as the
liquor keeps flowing in the city, I think they’ll leave us alone.”
Stay tuned to FFNN for further details as they develop.
(FFNN Exclusive logo up)
Now to the other news. In an FFNN exclusive, our cameras and reporter
have been allowed inside the 12th precinct of a Northern New
Jersey police station as they bring in a couple of suspects for
questioning. Let’s go there now. Lin?
That’s right, Kathy…I have learned that two people are being brought
into this interrogation room for questioning regarding a heinous crime
they are suspected of committing earlier this evening. We don’t usually
get this opportunity, but….okay, Kathy, I hear them coming now…let’s
(Blank slide. MX 43/11 music
(Kim and Paul Rollinson are led in by two detectives.
They are handcuffed and are shoved into seats at a table )
DETECTIVE 1 (REGGIE): Alright….we can do this the easy
way, or we can do it the hard way. It’s up to you guys.
PAUL: What are you talking about? We didn’t do anything.
KIM: Well…technically, we didn’t quite finish what we
DETECTIVE 2 (ANTHONY): And that kinda
arrogance just turns my stomach, don’t it, Reggie?
REGGIE: And youz guys don’t wanna turn
Anthony’s stomach…if you know what I mean.
PAUL: Don’t you have anything better to do
than to make frivolous busts?
ANTHONY: Yo…no cursin’ outta you, Mac.
KIM: Oh, for heaven’s sake.
REGGIE: Respect the badge.
you guys want?
ANTHONY: The straight scoop, Pal.
REGGIE: You tell us what we want to hear, and it’ll go
easier on you.
KIM: We didn’t really do anything.
ANTHONY: That ain’t quite the way we saw it…right,
REGGIE: Well, you got to see more than I did. By the time I
got to the car the evidence was kinda hidden, if you know what I mean.
PAUL: What’s the big deal? This is harassment.
ANTHONY: Yo! I ain’t gonna tell you about the language
REGGIE: I think he’s some kinds pervert freak,
KIM: Look, Andy and Barney….are we being charged with
ANTHONY: We’ll ask the questions, sweetcakes. How ‘bout
we just take it from the top. Names?
PAUL: Kim and Paul
44 Baldwin Ave.
ANTHONY: So, youz guys have a house?
PAUL: Yes….we have a house.
ANTHONY: Then might I ask what you was doin’ stinkin’ up
REGGIE: In a restaurant parking lot, no less….people
throwin’ down roast beef and gravy just a few hundred feet away.
KIM: It’s our 25th wedding anniversary. We
REGGIE: Oooh..Anthony…they was celebrating. 25 years, man
can’t spring for a room?
PAUL: We were gonna go home. You know how it is, guys.
Romantic dinner…a little wine…one thing leads to another…c’mon.
ANTHONY: You were in violation of penal code….
REGGIE: Oooh! Anthony…you catchin’ the subtle irony in
ANTHONY: It does not escape me, Reginald. Penal code 145, section 18, paragraph 3: you can’t do the nasty in
the back seat of a Volvo.
PAUL: It wasn’t a Volvo.
ANTHONY: Don’t get technical with me, Viagra boy.
KIM: Okay, listen…we’re sorry…we’ll never do it
KIM: Oh, stop you’re whining, Viagra boy. You got us
into this in the first place.
KIM: Yeah, you. Let’s have a nice dinner, Kim. Wear
that mini skirt with the thigh-highs and thong, Kim. Have some more wine,
Kim. I’ll order the appetizer,
REGGIE: What was the appetizer?
PAUL: It’s not important.
ANTHONY: I’m getting’ the impression Don Juan here
don’t feel like cooperatin’, Reg.
REGGIE: Is that right, Mr. Rollinson? You holdin’ out on
us? You gonna upset my partner’s stomach? You don’t wanna see Anthony
when the agitta cuts in.
KIM: Tell them, Paul.
PAUL: It’s none of their business.
KIM: We’re going down here, Paul. The gig is up.
We’ve been collared. I can’t go back there, Paul. You don’t
understand. Pacing that 9 by 9 room…counting the cinder blocks…sharing
a cell with a woman named Sam who wants to make you her boy toy. Don’t
make ‘em send me up the river again…I’m begging you….please!
PAUL: Alright!! Alright!!! It was oysters! I ordered
REGGIE: You’re one sick hombre.
PAUL: I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It
was a lapse in judgement.
REGGIE:You keep acting like a dog in heat, you’re gonna
end up with bypass surgery.
ANTHONY: Let’s get ‘em down to fingerprinting. I feel so
dirty I’m goin’ home and take a shower.
(They start to escort them out)
PAUL: You can’t go back there? That’s it, Kim. I’m
cutting off your Blockbuster card.
MX 43/12 music up
LIN: Well, there you have it. Another FFNN exclusive.
Live from the 12th precinct in
, this is Lin Trefs reporting.
KATHY: Thanks, Lin. A sneak peak into an interrogation
room. I’d rather slam my hand in a car door. You think that kinda
reporting is gonna win you an Emmy or something? Who comes up with these
ideas? I have a drawer full of gut-wrenching, thought-provoking,
life-changing interview ideas. Do they do one stinking one? No…..we get
Lin the Bimbo putting her ear to the door of the Keystone Cops’
restroom! (sweetly) And now we turn to the world of entertainment.
KATHY: The brainless floozie who normally handles this
segment is on vacation this week. Which is a nice way of saying she picked
up some fascist biker at a
truck stop near Fort Wayne and is going to be tied up….yeah, I’ll bet
she is…. for a few days.
Luckily for you, I’ll be doing entertainment tonite.
that end, I have been busy lately dredging up the latest exploits of your
favorite celebrities. As you know, the Fusia/Fusca clan is no stranger to
the spotlight. And we’ve caught some of your favorite stars at work and
Todd pic up)
Katie and Todd Fusia were spotted having a grand
old time at a party……last week.
Bill Ortale pic up)
And FFNN has learned that Elaine Sherriff’s sweet
disposition is both physical and spiritual. We caught her on camera
recently on one of her frequent trips to her Budha.
Cult worshippers gathered at a nearby conference
center. Here, Todd Fusia can be seen sitting under the watchful eye of
guru Ed Fusia, Jr. Todd claims there is no truth to the rumor that swami
Ed employed his favorite brainwashing technique of making him stay up all
reality pic up)
Chris Orazi unveiled his new line of sunglasses.
Good news…absolutely no ultraviolet waves. Bad news…can’t see a damn
Mark pic up)
No, this is not a dental hygiene commercial,
Michelle and Mark are simply doing their impressions of the grand canyon.
At the whale watch in
, Robbie Ortale took time out
to practice some oral surgery on a reluctant Katie Fusia.
Tina and Gus pic up)
And you can file this one under, “One man’s
goose is another man’s poison.” Michael Fusia’s hand seems to have
brightened Tina Boova’s spirits. Her husband, Gus, however, is non-plussed.
Fusia/Fusca pic up)
FFNN was on hand to celebrate the Fusia/Ortale
Alternative Lifestyle celebration in
. Here we see Carl Frank, Sev, Michael and Gibby enjoying the festivities.
Pat Fusia…what were you thinking?
And, finally, we caught up with Chris again at a
local eatery. An avid collector, he is shown here captivating Poochie
Fusia with his John Wayne Bobbit memorabilia.
KATHY: Wasn’t that fun? Alrighty, then.
In today’s FFNN business spotlight, Michelle has
a special guest for us. Isn’t that right, Michelle?
MICHELLE: That’s right, Kathy. We’re happy to have with
us Amelia Ortale Gesch, owner and operator of Especially Baskets of
Baskets logo up. “A Tisket,
A Tasket” Music)
Amelia is going to share with us some of her unique
creations. Hi, Amelia…nice to have you with us.
(AMELIA is behind a table of baskets, etc.)
AMELIA: Why, thank you…it’s so nice to be here.
MICHELLE: Amelia…what is the secret of your enormous
AMELIA: Well, most of your gift basket folks are pretty
typical….gourmet pre-boxed candies, dried fruit, soaps, homemade
pasta…yada, yada, yada. I like to think we’re unique in that we offer
theme-oriented, but down to earth arrangements.
MICHELLE: Why don’t you show us some of
these…unusual…examples, and then we have a special treat….Amelia is
going to prepare a basket for us right here in our studio. What do we have
AMELIA: Well, this first one is the bath bouquet.
MICHELLE: None of that frilly Victorian hooha for you..eh,
AMELIA: Nope. What we have here are mom’s everyday bath
essentials….already-started soap…don’t you just hate when you have
to wear down those molded flowers and crap on special soaps before you can
rub away on your private areas without buildin’ up a rash the size a
Texas? Here we’ve done that for you…..wet wash cloth….and c’mon,
let’s face it, everybody’s got some nasty toenails…so we’ve added
some fungal ointment…Reader’s Digest….and here’s my
favorite…What always happens when you lie back in the tub, water’s
running, all relaxed…..?
MICHELLE: I give up.
AMELIA: Gotta go to the bathroom. Kills the mood.
So…we’ve added a urine bottle
AMELIA: And if you really wanna step up to the plate, for a
few more bucks we’ll substitute a catheterization kit….first class,
MICHELLE: Yes. Very nice. What’s the next one?
AMELIA: This is an Especially Baskets exclusive. The Long
Car Ride Assortment. You know somebody who’s going on an extended car
vacation? This here’s the ticket. Course you got your maps, your CD’s,
moist towlettes, a set of lyrics for “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”,
but I’ve added some personal touches….flare, 20/40 weight oil,
beef jerky, duct tape for the kids….and, of course…..a urine bottle.
MICHELLE: Yes, I see that….so inviting, makes me want to go
to the bathroom right here.
AMELIA: Well, aren’t you nice to say that.
MICHELLE: Now, I understand that our viewers are going to be
treated to an actual demonstration of how one of your creations
AMELIA: That’s right, Michelle. I’m gonna try and throw
something together for you live and uncensored…get it? Live and
MICHELLE: I think I do.
AMELIA: I’m a little nervous here, as you can see. But
let’s give ‘er a shot.
MICHELLE: And what is it you will be assembling for us?
AMELIA: This here’s gonna be the backyard barbeque
basket. And we start with….a basket.
MICHELLE: Makes sense.
AMELIA: We put in a little foundation of straw and
what-not. This gives it a fluffier feel…and of course it fills the
bottom up and makes the client feel like they got more than they do.
Whoops…looks like I gave away a little basket trade
secret….well…ya’ll can edit that out before we air….right?
MICHELLE: Oh, yeah…trust me, we’ll take care of you on
AMELIA: Then we start adding the essentials. What I like to
do is think about it from the user’s perspective. What would I like to
have for my barbeque? So, we got some pickled pigs feet….prop ‘er up
real nice so the hooves show….chips…corn on the cob…a can of malt
liquor…that’s a nice touch, don’t you think?
MICHELLE: Mmmm hmmm.
AMELIA: Big ole can of black olives….some clam
juice…and we top ‘er off with the piece de resistence…lotsa
meat…you got your kosher dogs….chicken parts….don’t forget the
gizzards now….and lotsa hamburger meat….I don’t know about you, but
my clan loves them burgers…just pile it up there…there we go…and top
it off with a nice bow…you got yourself one heckuva gift basket.
AMELIA: Why, thank you, Michelle. And thanks for having me
on the show.
MICHELLE: That’s it for today’s business
spotlight….Especially Baskets of
…Amelia Gesch, proprietor.
(Wise Guy in
(FFNN Logo up
WISE GUY: Hey…pssst….over here. Yo…easy on the light,
mac. I’m tryin’ to blend here. That’s better. So here’s the deal.
I’m tryin’ to pick up the scent of this perpetrator, but this jaboney
is slick, man….real slippery, you know what I mean? I was hopin’ one a
you maybe seen him around this joint. He’s short…..real short…hair
like a skunk. Penny
loafers, no socks…been on the lam for
years….goes by the name a….Boova….Tom Boova….any a you seen him? I
didn’t think so.
And now back to real news. Not some barefoot
peach stuffing Easter baskets for a living. Get a real job…like an
anchorwoman. That way you can bust your butt 70 hours a week, give up your
family and any semblance of a social life and get all your ideas shot down
by the suits upstairs who can’t tell the difference between journalism
and human waste! And now to medical news…
(Sev and Carl
Frank pic up
KATHY: Who says medical hardships can’t have their own
silver lining. Here, two of the oldest living Siamese twins enjoy a night
out just like the rest of us.
KATHY: On the legal front, litigation
is still pending in the 1995 case of Severn Ortale vesus the City
and a sightseeing charter company. Mr. Ortale is suing for false
advertising and misrepresentation. Seems the charter company did not
fulfill his expectations. Included in Sev Ortale’s evidence is this
KATHY: A spokesperson for the company is quoted as saying,
“We produced for Mr. Ortale exactly what he was looking for. Is it our
fault he was not more specific?” More on this as the story develops.
KATHY: The American Tobacco Association claims it is
finally sick and tired of the media targeting its alleged lack of concern
about the increase in cigarette smoking related illnesses. To combat this,
they have launched their own campaign entitled: Did We Tell Them to Put
the Stupid Things in Their Mouths? At a recent advertisement rollout gala
they unveiled their new poster children.
cigarette pic up)
KATHY: And now we turn to our critic’s corner.
Egrit photo up. Chicken dance music
Today our resident movie maniacs, Sissy and Egrit,
are revisiting some of their favorite moments in the 1997 disaster
blockbuster, “Hispanic.” Welcome.
SISSY: Why, thank you, Kathy….and my complements to your
wardrobe mistress…I’m ever so fond of that neo-Egyptian, am I a prom
dress or a housecoat look. It suits you.
KATHY: The what?
But enough about you. Right, Egrit?
EGRIT: That’s right, Sissy. Already a modern classic,
Hispanic is filled with romance, intrigue, suspense, a lush score…
SISSY: Don’t forget Leonardo….
EGRIT: …beautiful sets, a great sense of history…
SISSY: I’m pouting…
EGRIT: And Leonardo DiCaprio.
SISSY: Thank you. See? Happy face.
EGRIT: We want to take a little retrospective tour through
some of our favorite moments in the film. Braaaak! So let’s get started.
SISSY: Our first clip establishes the sexual tension
between our lead characters. Let’s take a look.
- SCENE ONE
EGRIT: Wasn’t that magnificent. They were made for each
other. Braaak! Kate Winslett just explodes on the screen.
SISSY: Yeah….if you like white trash. I’m sorry…was
EGRIT: Let’s move on. The excitement really builds as
the ship approaches its date with destiny.
SISSY: La scene du la fromage.
- SCENE TWO
EGRIT: The ship approaching the cheese is cinema at its
SISSY: No, silly….all the sweaty men in the belly of the
beast…steam flying like a Turkish sauna….
EGRIT: Interesting perspective.
SISSY: Isn’t it, though?
EGRIT: Okay….one last piece of business.
SISSY: Don’t tease me, you flirtatious feather boy.
EGRIT: Back off, weirdo. We’re gonna scoop the rest of
the film media and announce the release of the latest in the Where’s
Waldo series for children. It’s not in the stores yet, but the
search for the illusive Waldo continues on July 14. Here’s a sneak peak
at the cover.
SISSY: Well, that’s going to do it for today….For FFNN
EGRIT: You bet he is…and I’m Egrit. Back to you,
KATHY: Thanks, guys.……or birds….or….aw let’s
call a spade a spade. They’re freaks! Like I want to get my movie tips
from a Tufted Titmouse….and I’m not even talking about beak boy.
Anyway, just in case we haven’t crossed the line yet, for some moronic
reason we’re going to bring you an excerpt from the ultimate in
tasteless entertainment. The lame brains upstairs thought it might be fun
to take a glimpse into the Sherry Springer Show. Say that five times after
a pitcher of cosmopolitans. Are we ready? Roll the stupid tape.
(Springer slide up)
SHERRY: Good evening, and welcome to the show. You know,
we’ve had a lot of guests over the years who epitomize dysfunctional,
but we think tonight’s family takes the cake. For nearly a hundred
years, a family with its origins in
, has been waging a civil war over a single letter. Descendents of
Giaccomo Bruno Fusca have argued the truth for generations. Well, tonight
the Sherry Springer Show is bringing this battle to a head. We have
representatives from both camps who will state their case. It should be
interesting. Let’s start bringing them out.
(Enter TOM FUSIA, JR. with
mounds of documents)
SHERRY: First, we have the clan’s self-appointed
historian…Tom Fusia, Jr. Hi, Tom.
Tom: Hi….and thanks for having me. Most people are put
off by all this technical genealogy stuff and the whole roots thing. Why,
they barely let me get started into the fascinating history of when Paolo
Fusca and Anna DiSandro Fusca married in 1750…and there was a very funny
SHERRY: No kidding. I can’t imagine……
Tom: …Nicola Luigi Giovanni Pietro Paolo Fabiano back
Tom: ……and the birth of the sweet Anna Maria Felicia
Tom: I get that a lot.
SHERRY: The problem is this, as I see it. You have some of
the family who have remained loyal to the name, Fusca…and those who
claim the name of Fusia.
Tom: Well, you can’t oversimplify the issue. You see,
Giuseppe Fusca’s second wife, Elizabetta DiNardo….
Tom: Yes, that’s it in a nutshell, Sherry.
SHERRY: So let’s cut to the chase. Is the original name
Fusca or Fusia?
Tom: Well…when Giaccomo Bruno and his sons came to
SHERRY: Thank you. But we have some folks here that don’t
agree with you. Let’s bring some of them out.
(FUSCA 1, FUSCA 2, FUSIA 1 and
FUSIA 2 enter. They
immediately begin arguing with each other and TOM over the name issue. It
gets rowdy….we involve the audience. Call each other names and get
physical. FRANK enters as a show bouncer to keep things from getting out
of hand. SHERRY tries to maintain order, but is less than successful.
Finally, she blows a whistle and everyone gets quiet.)
SHERRY: You’re a bunch of demented degos, you know that?
Now settle down. We have another guest to bring out who may shed some
light on the subject. And here he is now….the Ghost of Fusca Past.
(GHOST enters in robe, Italian hat, big moustache,
Italian stogie. He carries a staff with an eggplant on the end)
GHOST: Whatsamatter for you? Ima sittin…behava myself…relaxa
widda da Medici boys, Caruso, Michaelangelo…..and justa lika dat…
bomba! Ima qui!
SHERRY: You were with
GHOST: Datta boysa no good. He cheats ata sculpa. But, he
painta my housa for free, whattaya gonna do.
SHERRY: What can you tell us about this name thing?
GHOST: Looka. Isa very simple. Giaccomo Bruno coma he
widda hisa boys. Dey gotta da papers widda Fusca…lilla…
si chiamo…anchovie..ona topa
data c. One a boy…Giuseppi…he gotta alla da brains. He keepa da nama
Fusca. De other citrools, dey looka da c….maka him a i. Ma whattaya
gonna do….isa family..you canna kill.
(FUSIA 1 and 2 begin to verbally attack the
He steps back and waves his staff)
GHOST: Guarda…..guarda la
(The scene develops into a free-for-all until SHERRY
blows her whistle again)
SHERRY: Alright!! I think we’ve seen enough. Let’s move
on to our musical guest. We’re very honored to have Rob Thomas from
Matchbox 20 here, doing the song he made famous with Santana……Smooth.
(ROB THOMAS enters)
Karaoke disc up