The Fusia/Fuscà Family  

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The Orazi Papers


Joe, Kathy, Chris, Michelle and Lin did a great job putting together the 2001 Reunion in Baltimore.  Besides having to handle all the details of hosting a reunion and dealing with all those Fusias. Fuscas, Orazis, Ortales, and a couple of Boovas, they also wrote, produced and performed in the comedy sketches that made up the banquet nights entertainment. The script was cleverly written and the production values were first class. A lot of work went into that project.  We are fortunate to have such talent in the family. Thanks for making that reunion so memorable.


So, for all of you who missed the 2001 Reunion or for any of you who were there but maybe had parents who kept asking, "What did he say?", (and so missed half of the performance... ), here is the script of the evenings entertainment.  


Also click on the Ancient Orazi's page for a cool (and true by the way...) account of and ancient feud between the Orazi and the Curiatti families.  No more Curiatti's...







Dis is de last time I go economy class. Dis cabin stinks.


Dju call room service, Miss?


Ees about time. I starving. I was just looking for some feesh to tide me over.


No need for dat, Miss… Just come wit me to de buffet.


De buffet?! You crazy? Last night I get sick on de devilled eggs. 

My attorney…Bill Ortale…he suing dis sheep.


Bill Ortale? Ju must be joking. He told me to start smoking dees cigarettes so I can sue Phillip Morris.


You win?


Oh jes…enough to pay for dis stupid coat.





Mechanical sounds




C’mon…we’re almost dere!


Senior! What’s wrong wid dis contrapcion?


Dere are all dees gauges, but what do dey mean?


Call de engineers…dey have de manuals!




Kris and Mike Williamson!


Dere idiots!!


Is dis de time?  (Ship’s horn)


Did you fart?


Now what?


Get dis cheese grater back up again!


Get Gibby and Andy to fix dis!


Dat’s why we’re in dis mess!


Carol Campbell did the rigging.


My point exactly!


De hell wit it. I do myself. We have to grate de cheese!


Dat’s de biggest hunk of Asiago I ever see.


Don’t just stare at it…Get de grater!   C’mon…I want a taste.


Okay…de graters are working again!


C’mon…c’mon…I want de cheese.




Fusia Fusca News Network

 As the music fades…  FFNN logo up



KATHY:   Hezbollah terrorists hold a hundred American citizens hostage in the Middle East….a nationwide strike ordered by the Teamsters and AFL-CIO virtually cripples the country…and NASA confirms the discovery of life on Mars…but the big story…the Fusia/Fusca clan has descended upon Baltimore , Maryland for its eleventh family reunion.

 (Fusia/Fusca reunion logo up)

Mayor Martin O’Malley has ordered a state of emergency, putting all agencies on notice for the duration of this event.

 (Series of past reunion photos up)

While there have been many sightings in and around the Inner Harbor district, no major problems have been reported so far. One city official who wishes to remain anonymous was quoted as saying, “As long as the liquor keeps flowing in the city, I think they’ll leave us alone.” Stay tuned to FFNN for further details as they develop.

 (FFNN Exclusive logo up)

Now to the other news. In an FFNN exclusive, our cameras and reporter have been allowed inside the 12th precinct of a Northern New Jersey police station as they bring in a couple of suspects for questioning. Let’s go there now. Lin?

LIN:  That’s right, Kathy…I have learned that two people are being brought into this interrogation room for questioning regarding a heinous crime they are suspected of committing earlier this evening. We don’t usually get this opportunity, but….okay, Kathy, I hear them coming now…let’s listen in.

 (Blank slide. MX 43/11 music up.)

(Kim and Paul Rollinson are led in by two detectives. They are handcuffed and are shoved into seats at a table )  

DETECTIVE 1 (REGGIE):  Alright….we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. It’s up to you guys.

PAUL:  What are you talking about? We didn’t do anything.

KIM:  Well…technically, we didn’t quite finish what we were doing.

DETECTIVE 2 (ANTHONY):  And that kinda arrogance just turns my stomach, don’t it, Reggie?

REGGIE:  And youz guys don’t wanna turn Anthony’s stomach…if you know what I mean.

PAUL:  Don’t you have anything better to do than to make frivolous busts?

ANTHONY:  Yo…no cursin’ outta you, Mac.

KIM:  Oh, for heaven’s sake.

REGGIE:  Respect the badge.

PAUL:  Okay….okay…whatta you guys want?

ANTHONY:   The straight scoop, Pal.

REGGIE: You tell us what we want to hear, and it’ll go easier on you.

KIM:   We didn’t really do anything.

ANTHONY: That ain’t quite the way we saw it…right, Reg?

REGGIE: Well, you got to see more than I did. By the time I got to the car the evidence was kinda hidden, if you know what I mean.

PAUL: What’s the big deal? This is harassment.

ANTHONY:  Yo! I ain’t gonna tell you about the language again.  

REGGIE:  I think he’s some kinds pervert freak, Ant.

KIM:  Look, Andy and Barney….are we being charged with anything here?

ANTHONY: We’ll ask the questions, sweetcakes. How ‘bout we just take it from the top. Names?

PAUL: Kim and Paul Rollinson.

REGGIE: Address?

KIM: 44 Baldwin Ave.

ANTHONY: So, youz guys have a house?

PAUL:  Yes….we have a house.

ANTHONY:  Then might I ask what you was doin’ stinkin’ up my neighborhood?

REGGIE: In a restaurant parking lot, no less….people throwin’ down roast beef and gravy just a few hundred feet away.

KIM:  It’s our 25th wedding anniversary. We were celebrating.

REGGIE: Oooh..Anthony…they was celebrating. 25 years, man can’t spring for a room?

PAUL: We were gonna go home. You know how it is, guys. Romantic dinner…a little wine…one thing leads to another…c’mon.

ANTHONY: You were in violation of penal code….

REGGIE:  Oooh! Anthony…you catchin’ the subtle irony in that?

ANTHONY:  It does not escape me, Reginald. Penal code 145, section 18, paragraph 3: you can’t do the nasty in the back seat of a Volvo.

PAUL: It wasn’t a Volvo.

ANTHONY:  Don’t get technical with me, Viagra boy.

KIM:  Okay, listen…we’re sorry…we’ll never do it again.

PAUL:  Kim!

KIM: Oh, stop you’re whining, Viagra boy. You got us into this in the first place.

PAUL: Me?!

KIM: Yeah, you. Let’s have a nice dinner, Kim. Wear that mini skirt with the thigh-highs and thong, Kim. Have some more wine, Kim. I’ll order the appetizer, Kim.

REGGIE: What was the appetizer?

PAUL: It’s not important.

ANTHONY:  I’m getting’ the impression Don Juan here don’t feel like cooperatin’, Reg.

REGGIE: Is that right, Mr. Rollinson? You holdin’ out on us? You gonna upset my partner’s stomach? You don’t wanna see Anthony when the agitta cuts in.

KIM: Tell them, Paul.

PAUL: It’s none of their business.

KIM:  We’re going down here, Paul. The gig is up. We’ve been collared. I can’t go back there, Paul. You don’t understand. Pacing that 9 by 9 room…counting the cinder blocks…sharing a cell with a woman named Sam who wants to make you her boy toy. Don’t make ‘em send me up the river again…I’m begging you….please!

PAUL: Alright!! Alright!!! It was oysters! I ordered oysters.

REGGIE: You’re one sick hombre.

PAUL: I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It was a lapse in judgement.

REGGIE:You keep acting like a dog in heat, you’re gonna end up with bypass surgery.

ANTHONY: Let’s get ‘em down to fingerprinting. I feel so dirty I’m goin’ home and take a shower.

(They start to escort them out)

PAUL:  You can’t go back there? That’s it, Kim. I’m cutting off your Blockbuster card.

 (Blank slide. MX 43/12 music up )

LIN:   Well, there you have it. Another FFNN exclusive. Live from the 12th precinct in Somerset , New Jersey , this is Lin Trefs reporting.

KATHY:   Thanks, Lin. A sneak peak into an interrogation room. I’d rather slam my hand in a car door. You think that kinda reporting is gonna win you an Emmy or something? Who comes up with these ideas? I have a drawer full of gut-wrenching, thought-provoking, life-changing interview ideas. Do they do one stinking one? No…..we get Lin the Bimbo putting her ear to the door of the Keystone Cops’ restroom! (sweetly) And now we turn to the world of entertainment.

 (Entertainment logo up)

KATHY: The brainless floozie who normally handles this segment is on vacation this week. Which is a nice way of saying she picked up some  fascist biker at a truck stop near Fort Wayne and is going to be tied up….yeah, I’ll bet she is….  for a few days. Luckily for you, I’ll be doing entertainment tonite.

 (Flying town names up)

Toward that end, I have been busy lately dredging up the latest exploits of your favorite celebrities. As you know, the Fusia/Fusca clan is no stranger to the spotlight. And we’ve caught some of your favorite stars at work and at play.

  (Katie and Todd pic up)

Katie and Todd Fusia were spotted having a grand old time at a party……last week.

 (Elaine and Bill Ortale pic up)

And FFNN has learned that Elaine Sherriff’s sweet disposition is both physical and spiritual. We caught her on camera recently on one of her frequent trips to her Budha.

(Big brother pic up)

Cult worshippers gathered at a nearby conference center. Here, Todd Fusia can be seen sitting under the watchful eye of guru Ed Fusia, Jr. Todd claims there is no truth to the rumor that swami Ed employed his favorite brainwashing technique of making him stay up all night drinking.

(Virtual reality pic up)

Chris Orazi unveiled his new line of sunglasses. Good news…absolutely no ultraviolet waves. Bad news…can’t see a damn thing.

(Michelle and Mark pic up)

No, this is not a dental hygiene commercial, Michelle and Mark are simply doing their impressions of the grand canyon.

(Robbie/Katie pic up)

At the whale watch in Boston , Robbie Ortale took  time out to practice some oral surgery on a reluctant Katie Fusia.

(Michael, Tina and Gus pic up)

And you can file this one under, “One man’s goose is another man’s poison.” Michael Fusia’s hand seems to have brightened Tina Boova’s spirits. Her husband, Gus, however, is non-plussed.

(Miss Fusia/Fusca pic up)

FFNN was on hand to celebrate the Fusia/Ortale Alternative Lifestyle celebration in Boston . Here we see Carl Frank, Sev, Michael and Gibby enjoying the festivities.

(Butt scratch pic up)

Pat Fusia…what were you thinking?

(Chris/Poochie pic up)

And, finally, we caught up with Chris again at a local eatery. An avid collector, he is shown here captivating Poochie Fusia with his John Wayne Bobbit memorabilia.

KATHY:  Wasn’t that fun? Alrighty, then.

(Business logo up)

In today’s FFNN business spotlight, Michelle has a special guest for us. Isn’t that right, Michelle?

MICHELLE:  That’s right, Kathy. We’re happy to have with us Amelia Ortale Gesch, owner and operator of Especially Baskets of Lilburn, Georgia.

(Especially Baskets logo up.  “A Tisket, A Tasket”  Music)

Amelia is going to share with us some of her unique creations. Hi, Amelia…nice to have you with us.

(AMELIA is behind a table of baskets, etc.)

AMELIA:  Why, thank you…it’s so nice to be here.

MICHELLE:   Amelia…what is the secret of your enormous success?

AMELIA: Well, most of your gift basket folks are pretty typical….gourmet pre-boxed candies, dried fruit, soaps, homemade pasta…yada, yada, yada. I like to think we’re unique in that we offer theme-oriented, but down to earth arrangements.

MICHELLE:  Why don’t you show us some of these…unusual…examples, and then we have a special treat….Amelia is going to prepare a basket for us right here in our studio. What do we have here?

AMELIA:  Well, this first one is the bath bouquet.

MICHELLE:  None of that frilly Victorian hooha for, Amelia?

AMELIA:  Nope. What we have here are mom’s everyday bath essentials….already-started soap…don’t you just hate when you have to wear down those molded flowers and crap on special soaps before you can rub away on your private areas without buildin’ up a rash the size a Texas? Here we’ve done that for you…..wet wash cloth….and c’mon, let’s face it, everybody’s got some nasty toenails…so we’ve added some fungal ointment…Reader’s Digest….and here’s my favorite…What always happens when you lie back in the tub, water’s running, all relaxed…..?

MICHELLE:  I give up.

AMELIA:  Gotta go to the bathroom. Kills the mood. So…we’ve added a urine bottle

MICHELLE:  How….thoughtful.

AMELIA:  And if you really wanna step up to the plate, for a few more bucks we’ll substitute a catheterization kit….first class, huh?

MICHELLE:  Yes. Very nice. What’s the next one?

AMELIA:  This is an Especially Baskets exclusive. The Long Car Ride Assortment. You know somebody who’s going on an extended car vacation? This here’s the ticket. Course you got your maps, your CD’s, moist towlettes, a set of lyrics for “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”,  but I’ve added some personal touches….flare, 20/40 weight oil, beef jerky, duct tape for the kids….and, of course…..a urine bottle.

MICHELLE:  Yes, I see that….so inviting, makes me want to go to the bathroom right here.

AMELIA:  Well, aren’t you nice to say that.

MICHELLE:  Now, I understand that our viewers are going to be treated to an actual demonstration of how one of your creations are….well, created.

AMELIA:  That’s right, Michelle. I’m gonna try and throw something together for you live and uncensored…get it? Live and uncensored?

MICHELLE:  I think I do.

AMELIA:  I’m a little nervous here, as you can see. But let’s give ‘er a shot.

MICHELLE:  And what is it you will be assembling for us?

AMELIA:  This here’s gonna be the backyard barbeque basket. And we start with….a basket.

MICHELLE:  Makes sense.

AMELIA:  We put in a little foundation of straw and what-not. This gives it a fluffier feel…and of course it fills the bottom up and makes the client feel like they got more than they do. Whoops…looks like I gave away a little basket trade secret….well…ya’ll can edit that out before we air….right?

MICHELLE:  Oh, yeah…trust me, we’ll take care of you on that.

AMELIA:  Then we start adding the essentials. What I like to do is think about it from the user’s perspective. What would I like to have for my barbeque? So, we got some pickled pigs feet….prop ‘er up real nice so the hooves show….chips…corn on the cob…a can of malt liquor…that’s a nice touch, don’t you think?

MICHELLE:  Mmmm hmmm.

AMELIA:  Big ole can of black olives….some clam juice…and we top ‘er off with the piece de resistence…lotsa meat…you got your kosher dogs….chicken parts….don’t forget the gizzards now….and lotsa hamburger meat….I don’t know about you, but my clan loves them burgers…just pile it up there…there we go…and top it off with a nice bow…you got yourself one heckuva gift basket.

MICHELLE:  Very….impressive.

AMELIA:  Why, thank you, Michelle. And thanks for having me on the show.

MICHELLE:  That’s it for today’s business spotlight….Especially Baskets of Lilburn , Georgia …Amelia Gesch, proprietor.

(Wise Guy in spot )

(FFNN Logo up

WISE GUY:   Hey…pssst….over here. Yo…easy on the light, mac. I’m tryin’ to blend here. That’s better. So here’s the deal. I’m tryin’ to pick up the scent of this perpetrator, but this jaboney is slick, man….real slippery, you know what I mean? I was hopin’ one a you maybe seen him around this joint. He’s short…..real short…hair like a skunk. Penny

loafers, no socks…been on the lam for years….goes by the name a….Boova….Tom Boova….any a you seen him? I didn’t think so.

KATHY:  And now back to real news. Not some barefoot  Georgia peach stuffing Easter baskets for a living. Get a real job…like an anchorwoman. That way you can bust your butt 70 hours a week, give up your family and any semblance of a social life and get all your ideas shot down by the suits upstairs who can’t tell the difference between journalism and human waste! And now to medical news…

(Sev and Carl Frank pic up)

KATHY:  Who says medical hardships can’t have their own silver lining. Here, two of the oldest living Siamese twins enjoy a night out just like the rest of us.

KATHY:  On the legal front, litigation  is still pending in the 1995 case of Severn Ortale vesus the City of Boston and a sightseeing charter company. Mr. Ortale is suing for false advertising and misrepresentation. Seems the charter company did not fulfill his expectations. Included in Sev Ortale’s evidence is this photograph.

(Whale tail photo up)

KATHY:  A spokesperson for the company is quoted as saying, “We produced for Mr. Ortale exactly what he was looking for. Is it our fault he was not more specific?” More on this as the story develops.

KATHY:  The American Tobacco Association claims it is finally sick and tired of the media targeting its alleged lack of concern about the increase in cigarette smoking related illnesses. To combat this, they have launched their own campaign entitled: Did We Tell Them to Put the Stupid Things in Their Mouths? At a recent advertisement rollout gala they unveiled their new poster children.

(Smoking cigarette pic up)

KATHY:  And now we turn to our critic’s corner.

(Sissy and Egrit photo up. Chicken dance music)

Today our resident movie maniacs, Sissy and Egrit, are revisiting some of their favorite moments in the 1997 disaster blockbuster, “Hispanic.”  Welcome.

SISSY:   Why, thank you, Kathy….and my complements to your wardrobe mistress…I’m ever so fond of that neo-Egyptian, am I a prom dress or a housecoat look. It suits you.

KATHY:   The what?

 SISSY: But enough about you. Right, Egrit?

EGRIT:  That’s right, Sissy. Already a modern classic, Hispanic is filled with romance, intrigue, suspense, a lush score…

SISSY:  Don’t forget Leonardo….

EGRIT:  …beautiful sets, a great sense of history…

SISSY:  I’m pouting…

EGRIT:  And Leonardo DiCaprio.

SISSY:  Thank you. See? Happy face.

EGRIT:  We want to take a little retrospective tour through some of our favorite moments in the film. Braaaak! So let’s get started.

SISSY:  Our first clip establishes the sexual tension between our lead characters. Let’s take a look.


EGRIT:  Wasn’t that magnificent. They were made for each other. Braaak! Kate Winslett just explodes on the screen.

SISSY:  Yeah….if you like white trash. I’m sorry…was that witchy?

EGRIT:  Let’s move on. The excitement really builds as the ship approaches its date with destiny.

SISSY:  La scene du la fromage.

EGRIT:  Whatever.


SISSY:   Oooh……goosebumps.

EGRIT:  The ship approaching the cheese is cinema at its best.

SISSY:  No, silly….all the sweaty men in the belly of the beast…steam flying like a Turkish sauna….

EGRIT:  Interesting perspective.

SISSY:  Isn’t it, though?

EGRIT:  Okay….one last piece of business.

SISSY:  Don’t tease me, you flirtatious feather boy.

EGRIT:   Back off, weirdo. We’re gonna scoop the rest of the film media and announce the release of the latest in the Where’s Waldo series for children. It’s not in the stores yet, but the search for the illusive Waldo continues on July 14. Here’s a sneak peak at the cover.

(Where’s Waldo slide)

SISSY:  Well, that’s going to do it for today….For FFNN I’m Sissy….

EGRIT:    You bet he is…and I’m Egrit. Back to you, Kathy.

KATHY:   Thanks, guys.……or birds….or….aw let’s call a spade a spade. They’re freaks! Like I want to get my movie tips from a Tufted Titmouse….and I’m not even talking about beak boy. Anyway, just in case we haven’t crossed the line yet, for some moronic reason we’re going to bring you an excerpt from the ultimate in tasteless entertainment. The lame brains upstairs thought it might be fun to take a glimpse into the Sherry Springer Show. Say that five times after a pitcher of cosmopolitans. Are we ready? Roll the stupid tape.

(Springer slide up)

SHERRY:   Good evening, and welcome to the show. You know, we’ve had a lot of guests over the years who epitomize dysfunctional, but we think tonight’s family takes the cake. For nearly a hundred years, a family with its origins in Vazzano , Italy , has been waging a civil war over a single letter. Descendents of Giaccomo Bruno Fusca have argued the truth for generations. Well, tonight the Sherry Springer Show is bringing this battle to a head. We have representatives from both camps who will state their case. It should be interesting. Let’s start bringing them out.

(Enter TOM FUSIA, JR. with mounds of documents)

SHERRY:   First, we have the clan’s self-appointed historian…Tom Fusia, Jr.  Hi, Tom.

Tom:   Hi….and thanks for having me. Most people are put off by all this technical genealogy stuff and the whole roots thing. Why, they barely let me get started into the fascinating history of when Paolo Fusca and Anna DiSandro Fusca married in 1750…and there was a very funny story about…..

SHERRY:  No kidding. I can’t imagine……

Tom:  …Nicola Luigi Giovanni Pietro Paolo Fabiano back in 1854…..


 Tom:  ……and the birth of the sweet Anna Maria Felicia Annunciata….

SHERRY:  Tom…shuttup.

Tom:  I get that a lot.

SHERRY:  The problem is this, as I see it. You have some of the family who have remained loyal to the name, Fusca…and those who claim the name of  Fusia.

Tom:  Well, you can’t oversimplify the issue. You see, Giuseppe Fusca’s second wife, Elizabetta DiNardo….


Tom:  Yes, that’s it in a nutshell, Sherry.

SHERRY:  So let’s cut to the chase. Is the original name Fusca or Fusia?

Tom:   Well…when Giaccomo Bruno and his sons came to Ellis Island ……

SHERRY:   Tom…..basta cosi!

Tom:  Fusca.

SHERRY:  Thank you. But we have some folks here that don’t agree with you. Let’s bring some of them out.

(FUSCA 1, FUSCA 2, FUSIA 1 and FUSIA 2 enter. They immediately begin arguing with each other and TOM over the name issue. It gets rowdy….we involve the audience. Call each other names and get physical. FRANK enters as a show bouncer to keep things from getting out of hand. SHERRY tries to maintain order, but is less than successful. Finally, she blows a whistle and everyone gets quiet.)

SHERRY:  You’re a bunch of demented degos, you know that? Now settle down. We have another guest to bring out who may shed some light on the subject. And here he is now….the Ghost of Fusca Past.

(GHOST enters in robe, Italian hat, big moustache, Italian stogie. He carries a staff with an eggplant on the end)

GHOST:  Whatsamatter for you? Ima sittin…behava myself…relaxa widda da Medici boys, Caruso, Michaelangelo…..and justa lika dat… bomba! Ima qui!

SHERRY:  You were with Michaelangelo?

GHOST:  Datta boysa no good. He cheats ata sculpa. But, he painta my housa for free, whattaya gonna do.

SHERRY:  What can you tell us about this name thing?

GHOST:  Looka. Isa very simple. Giaccomo Bruno coma he widda hisa boys. Dey gotta da papers widda Fusca…lilla… come si chiamo…anchovie..ona  topa data c. One a boy…Giuseppi…he gotta alla da brains. He keepa da nama Fusca. De other citrools, dey looka da c….maka him a i. Ma whattaya gonna do….isa canna kill.

(FUSIA 1 and 2 begin to verbally attack the GHOST. He steps back and waves his staff)

GHOST:   Guarda…..guarda la moulanian!!

(The scene develops into a free-for-all until SHERRY blows her whistle again)

SHERRY:  Alright!! I think we’ve seen enough. Let’s move on to our musical guest. We’re very honored to have Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20 here, doing the song he made famous with Santana……Smooth. Rob?

(ROB THOMAS enters)

Smooth Karaoke disc up



Man, you’re the wrong ones

You call yourselves Papa Bruno’s sons

Your crass deception gives us all the runs

But you stay so cool


You buncha cheaters

You’re like Sicilian pasta eaters

You make the sauce without the meatas

You boys crossed the line, yeah


And so you said, this name ain’t good enough

It’s a brand new world, we can make it up

We’ll just change that “c” to better suit our mood

Cause we’re so smooth


Well, it’s just like the notion that somebody steals

It’s the same as that old notion Santa Claus is real

You Fusia’s think you’re something and you’re oh so smooth, yeah

Gimme an S C A

Or else forget about it


You hit the island

You change the C into an I then

Well it ain’t something that we’re buying

We’re calling you out


From this deception

Don’t try to call it misconception

Us Fuscas stand on name perfection

Let’s settle this now, right now, yeah


Because you said this name ain’t good enough

Here on Ellis, man, we can make it up

We’ll just change that “c” to better suit our mood

Cause we’re so smooth


Well, it’s just like the notion that somebody steals

It’s the same as that old notion Santa Claus is real

You Fusia’s think you’re something and you’re oh so smooth, yeah

Gimme an S C A

Or else forget about it.